If you've never had to wonder if your child is going to make it in this life...
If you've never had to wonder if your child was going to wake up the next morning...
This illness is the most maddening, life sucking, tear provoking, hopeless, helpless, heartless... er, that may be the Clark Griswold in me talking...
Screw PANS/PANDAS. That about sums up where I'm at with this.
It seems it's my life's duty to save my child, but the maddening part is that I also don't know if I really can. It continues to leave me in this place of trying to let God, but wondering what I'm supposed to do as we go along here.
It's like that giant climbing tree in our backyard. You know the one. It's the one the kids love to climb up, sit in, and jump out of while I yell that they are most definitely going to blow out a knee.
A few years ago as a hurricane was passing through, I noticed the ground around that big tree starting to breathe. Its roots were no match for the wind. We scrambled around, even grabbing a neighbor to help us take the tree down if needed. Chainsaws came out and branches started falling, as Brenner worked to tie the tree to our SUV to pull it down.
My heart sank a little. That was the tree the boys loved. I hated to lose it. But just as we were ready to give the go ahead, the wind stopped. The tree was safe.
It's been standing tall ever since.
I can't give up. Oh, there are days when I want to, but I look at that battle scarred tree and think that maybe I can keep at this.
Tonight I laced up my new Nikes to go for a run, and darned if Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down" didn't roll through my playlist first.
Well, I won't back down
No, I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of Hell
But I won't back down
So while that's probably my part, I can't forget about that stone that rolled away long before I became Rowen's mother. Jesus always makes a way, even if I can't see how. The Bible app also popped up on my phone today with this:
He hath swallowed up death forever; and the Lord Jehovah will wipe away tears from off all faces.
I guess there's no need to fight back tears when He's there to wipe them away. We will keep standing tall and finding our way forward. His way forward.
