Tranquilizer Darts Anyone?

Oops, I did it again. I took my kids out in public. We'll just chalk that up to one of the more stupid decisions I've made as of late. Play dates always sound so harmless, until I come along with my kids. I should wear a sign on my head that says "Don't approach me, you will just regret it."

Rowen made a friend at school. When we were asked to meet up with them at the mall play place, I wish I would have had that sign on my head. When I told Brenner about our impending date, he said he gave it a few weeks before they'd find us out. Crap, he was right again.

It's not even Rowen at this point. It's the legacy that autism leaves to the next generation that has come up to bite me.

It's Lane now.

Sure, Rowen always has his moments, but the last two play dates we went on were demolished by my prize-fighting 2-year-old.

Date #1: Attempted biting plan thwarted by mom. Still got incredulous looks. Ended up biting Rowen's friend anyway, leaving marks that Dracula would be impressed with.

Date #2: Bit a child who ran screaming to his mom. After scolding Lane and dishing out the usual suspects (a talking-to, time out, etc.) I set him loose only to push down her other child (a barely walking baby who screamed to high heaven). As she comforted her baby and I tried offering my apologies, I barely got a response. I know what she was thinking. What's wrong with you, lady? Why did you think you could bring your kids out in public. Go home. And go home we did.

I have to add that we had already been getting looks because Rowen hauled up in the top floor of the monster-sized play place with another boy screaming to everyone that Rowen was sick and was going to throw up. When I asked him though, Rowen said he just had a little cough. Things didn't look good though with his little sidekick acting like I sent my son to play with their kids toting a stomach virus. Incredulous stares as usual. I think I should get a patent and start getting paid for them.

So I swooped up my kids and avoided eye contact all the way out. The tears started to flow and I couldn't stop them, even in front of my kids. I didn't mean to affect Rowen like I did though. He was worried and gave me a hug and started crying too. Not just crying though- in his room hitting the bed, he didn't know what to do with it. I explained that sometimes moms and dads cry too but that I would be just fine. Maybe a little white lie, but what was I supposed to say? Mommy has been having chest pains and thinks that nothing short of a horse tranquilizer will calm her down anymore? Sometimes honesty just doesn't sound as pretty.

I do wonder if my anxiety is the latest monster in our house. It's growing and growing and I can almost hear the autism monster cackling and rubbing it's hands together in pure satisfaction. Poor Brenner was coming out of surgery last week for a deviated septum-black eye and all- and I told the nurse I had to sit down or I'd pass out.

Stupid autism monster. It's definitely changed me. It keeps evolving itself. Now it's in the form of imitation from little brother. It's like it gave birth to another baby autism monster (disclaimer: I am not calling my kids monsters... autism is the monster here. They are as much victims as we are. Actually more. Much more.).

I wish I had some cute little quip to end this but I just don't today. Instead I have a crappy headache from crying and am still freaking out about my own surgery next week. I was praying last night though (and while I was surprised God remembered me- Hey God, I swear I'm still here-) He told me He was there too. It's something I think I need to lean on a little harder these days.