It is never the same from one day to the next, or one moment for that matter. For awhile we were chasing the anxiety and aggression/opposition that Rowen was consistently having. Then it was the hyperactivity and lack of focus. Now it seems we may be succumbing to a nice cocktail of all of the above. Lucky us.
We started Rowen on Guanfacine, a medicine originally created to lower blood pressure. I know, right!? I'd be just this side left of the nut house if I would go for something like that. Yet here I am, administering such a medication to my 6-year-old. My 6-year-old. The first week he was a zombie. He slept and slept like he hasn't in years. This past week, the anxiety started to kick back in. He woke up screaming about school last Monday. So afraid to go, he told me he was sick. I have a kindergartner now trying to pull the oldest trick in the book. A little too soon in my book, I might add. His stomach hurt. His head hurt. But then he said, "mommy, my heart is beating slow." What the--??
That last one was a little too sophisticated for me to push him out the door for school. I kept him home and took him to the fire station for a blood pressure read: 92/58. A little too low in my book, but not seeming to alarm his docs. So we trudged ahead, with an increasingly anxious and more oppositional (welcome back my fine friend) child.
Which leads me to this morning. At breakfast, Rowen started crying again about going to school. I asked him what made him scared about school, as my mind spun for the umpteenth time toward God's nudging to homeschool. After much prompting, through tears he said, "A lot of the kids don't want to sit with me at school!"
Sound of mom's heart breaking.
I'm sure I had the reaction that most well-intentioned moms would. I want to fix it. I don't want him to feel that way. How can I make this better? But then the autism mom part kicked in too. I'm sure it's hard for some of the kids to see through Rowen's wild personality. I'm sure he's said some things that haven't been too kind either. I'm sure his inability to control himself spins others' heads all day long.
I didn't much entertain the last sentiments, because that wasn't going to fend off the tears. Instead I told him I loved him and gave him a hug. I tried to explain that he does have some good friends and we can't please everyone, yadda yadda yadda. Not sure how it landed, but at least things started to change. I heard him wildly laughing as he went upstairs to get dressed. So much so, I thought he'd lost his mind a little. When we were driving to school I asked if he felt better about going.
"Yes," he said.
"What made you feel better?"
"Laughing." he answered.
Such a simple thing, hopefully to get him through a difficult day. I hope I can do the same when I turn on the computer and see headlines that read "Children with ADHD more likely to commit suicide as adults." I think I need a dose of laughter too, and a few prayers for a broken heart. Because I'd love to say he will be ok, but I honestly don't know some days. I do know he is in the Hands of his Creator, so in that I will take comfort. And maybe a good laugh too.
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