A Day in the Life

So it wasn't by the 11 o'clock news that things changed for the worse as I forecasted in my last post, but soon enough the storm hit. We had a few bad days but at least it now seems to be steadily improving. And by 'a few bad days' I mean scary, sad, maddening, heartbreaking, and just about everything else under that umbrella you can throw in there.

The heavy hitter lately has been Rowen saying he wants to kill himself. That's the heartbreaking and scary part. If we have to discipline him, he says things like, "I wish I had never been in your tummy," and "I'm just so bad you should kill me." I can tell his spirit has been very heavy lately. In so many ways, he is a perfectionistic kid. I think his rough exterior simply covers up his fears and inadequacies. I'll be honest though, that rough exterior is hard to contend with. I can't count the number of times he says he hates us or wants to kill us. He got so mad at Brenner the other day over a pillow (yes, a pillow) that he threw a fit of rage directed right at him. That's the maddening part. We just want to scream back (and some days I admit that we do) but I know that's not going to help. We need to keep learning the language.

A friend posted a video of a non-verbal teenage girl with autism, Carly Fleischmann, to my facebook page (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1uPf5O-on0) who found her voice through typing her words on a computer screen. Though Rowen is verbal (very, very verbal!) it was eye-opening to hear how she describes some of her struggles. She said "We create output to block out input." Amazing. I admit I've never thought of Rowen's tantrums in this way. I think about when we took him to the Easter egg hunt at church where bad weather forced us indoors. Translation: the enormous crowd was just crammed into a smaller space. God bless him, Rowen tried to go into the egg hunt room but quickly turned around to meet my gaze with a look of sheer terror on his face. It built and built until he threw an enormously fabulous fit in the hallway, complete with wanting to kill me. It took a quiet room and some special people to help him calm down. Output versus input.

Carly also said it's hard to look at someone's face because she takes a thousand pictures of it the minute she looks at it. I can't tell you how many times I've uttered the phrase "look at my face" to Rowen. I actually know better on this one already, but sometimes it's just a failure to launch.

A few days ago after a long day of arguing, Rowen- at bedtime- said he knew I didn't love him because I'd gotten mad at him that day. I explained that sometimes we get mad but it doesn't mean we don't love each other. My words didn't really mean much to him though until I wrote them down. We exchanged letters about how we will always love each other even if we have hard days. Shortly after that he fell into a peaceful sleep with my letter by his side.

So score one for me I guess, because I'm learning to speak the language every day. And though I write a lot about my failures, I jump for joy at the progress we make little by little. While some days Brenner and I feel like we are more behind the starting gate than beyond it, I have to remind myself that that's not true.

And speaking of starting gate, check out Rowen at equine therapy. He loves it! He caught on so fast, which is huge in our book. Maybe the horse just speaks Rowen. It's a beautiful, frustrating, and completely rewarding language we could all use a little schooling in.

Rowen at equine therapy hamming it up!

I had to add this photo from the zoo yesterday. Rowen saw this goat at the petting zoo sitting all by himself and Rowen was drawn to him. I think Rowen thought this little goat was lonely sitting outside the crowd and he wanted to make him feel better. I guess being part of the crowd isn't always what we need.

And one more of the dudes on the train ride at the zoo. Just because.